Tales from the Steppes

2006-02-22

8:31 p.m.
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This time of year, I spend a lot of my free brain power designing my gardens. The latest White Flower Farms catalogue is like a drug. I endlessly (or as close to it as I can come) page through it, restricting my hypothetical choices to only one plant per page and from there, only one of a type. Of course, I have very expensive taste. I never look at the prices until after I have made my decisions - that would be cheating. The helleborus I picked out was $69 for one plant. It truly was the most striking plant of the lot.

This year it is worse than previous years and I am not sure why. In the past when I have had my equivalent of Spring Fever, it was because I was spending all my time inside and was feeling disconnected from the planet. My current job allows me to spend a reasonable amount of time outside in a focussed way. I really notice the changing of the seasons. The fact that we have really only had one month of winter this year was pretty much in my face - the skunk cabbages started sprouting in January and I use them to easily delineate wetlands.

Perhaps it is because I am so far away from specific parts of who I am that have been previously fulfilled by school. I am no longer designing anything and that is a problem. This is sosmething that tends to leak out if I do not have an outlet. More and more I am thinking about going out on my own and putting my research into practice. I am sure I could approach several schools with my ideas and have more success than I did at the mongols old elementary school. Especially if I was not trying to do it nights and weekends. And the market here is a good one. If people have money to spend on designer dog biscuits, they have money to spend on nature-based play and child friendly landscapes. Of course, it might be more of a values thing than a money thing.

But that would involve me quitting my job and I hate to quit anything. And I would have to get the SU to go along with it and I am not sure that is possible. I guess quitting my job would be the bigger issue. They really like me a lot and I seem to be good at it, even if it is driving me a bit up the wall. It almost would seem like failing to admit that I cannot work a full time job, get my thesis finished, and do the family thing. And I don't like to fail.

Perhaps I am my own worst enemy here. I cannot decide if I am shooting myself in the foot or if things will get easier if I stick it out. So I will avoid a decision for a bit. Try to get the thesis finished first. And keep looking at my catalogues.

Fieldwork in the sleet. Can we just shoot me now? If I could put it off, I would. On the bright side, .... Wait, I lost that thought. But I am sure there will be an upside to this.