Tales from the Steppes

2005-09-01

9:39 a.m.
Thursday, September 1

I am in desperate need of advice on how to deal with a particular situation. I have lost a fair amount of sleep on this one but have not figured out a way through this morass.

But first a few caveats before I go any further.
1) This is a reasonably depressing situation, not an "I won the lottery and need to figure out what to do with my money" thing.
2) I am writing this as a way of both working through the problem and possibly getting help with it. It is possible that when I am done, the solution will be obvious even to me.
3) This situation does involve the SU and his family. Many of you may know him but I trust that you form your opinions on your own and not based on anything I write here. My intent is not to cast judgement or influence opinion - I just need some help with this one.

Ok, you have been amply warned.

So I have written about the cancer thing in the SU's family. It is a genetic issue, passed through his mother's side, the Reesers. It is a gruesome thing that has been studied by a number of medical institutions but the knowledge about this is still murky. The SU is not close at all with his family and I have only met most of these people two or three times.

The SU has a cousin, Cyndi, whom I have seen more often than the rest of his family, as she lives in this area and is closer to the SU's sister. I think the last time I saw her was at the SU's sister's funeral two years back. She gave me her card and expressed interest in getting together and spending time with the kids.

Now Cyndi is a bit of a neurotic. She is not particularly fun to be around. She had colon cancer in her early thirties and ever since has been a diet fanatic. She is a nutritionist and serves things like tofu dogs when you eat at her house. I like tofu but tofu dogs just plain suck.

Cyndi has always been the story of hope in this family, as the cancer did not come back. I think there is one other member of this family, besides the SU, who has had cancer and has lived. Mostly, the cancer always seems to come back with a vengeance, even if it is cured the first time.

Last year, we moved to a house in Kensington and at some point,I found her card with the address on it. We are now living two or three blocks away from her. I walk the Beast past her house on a daily basis. I have said, on a number of occasions, "You really should call your cousin." I have indicated how embarassing it would be to actually bump into her. The card has been siting on top of my dresser, right next to the bed, where it cannot be missed. But the SU has declined or said "Yeah, I should call her" and hasn't.

I have mostly tried to stay out of this, because it is not my family and I have enough other things that I take responsibility for. It has bothered me but I understand that I cannot make the SU do anything. We all make our own choices.

You can see this coming, can't you? I mean, it is just so obvious where this story is going.

Right before the SU left for Scotland, he called to tell me that he had spoken with his sister and cousin Cyndi is in the hospital. It seems that she had endometrial cancer a year or two ago and was in the hospital for some minor surgery to fix something - an ulcer, a hernia, I don't remember. They opened her up and discovered that her colon cancer had recurred higher up and spread to both her liver and pancreas. She has only a few months to live, even with chemo.

The SU is her only relative in the area, besides Cyndi's mother, who is in a nursing home with advanced dementia. The rest of the family is mostly located in the Midwest, so she has no family support system here.

When the SU left for Scotland, Cyndi was still in the ICU, so I couldn't send flowers or anything. I will admit that I did not do anything that week he was gone - I just had too much going on with back to school meetings, orientations, open houses, sick kids, and work. But he is back now, so I said "Why don't you go visit her? She is just down at GWU."

Yet he has declined.

He spoke with his sister, who must have spoken with someone who has visited her and apparently it is difficult to be in the same room with Cyndi. She is in the "anger" stage. And besides, she never visited him when he was in the hospital. He hasn't seen her in a few years, what good would a visit from an estranged cousin do?

I am having a real issue here. On the one hand, this is his family and I need to let him take the lead in dealing with things. I have met this woman only a few times and it is questionable whether she would recognize me upon meeting me. On the other hand, this woman is dying and deserves all the support we can provide. The personal stuff is petty crap.

But yet, I have to be careful in how I handle this. It seems there are many familial landmines out there and I really do not know the lay of the land well. I have not been able to come up with a way of providing some support without pissing off the SU and his sister. Because who the hell am I to get involved.

I have another problem with all of this in that I consider the SU's behavior to be inexecusable. There is a lot of grey area in life but this is getting really really close to my limit. I understand that he has issues here. I understand that I have not experienced what he has. I have never had cancer, been told that there was a good chance I would die, watched members of my family die at young ages. It is bad enough just being in the family by marriage and having my own children to worry about.

But still, I am incredibly disturbed. I have been good. I have not said anything overally critical, I have tried to be supportive of whatever he feels is necessary to do here. However, I am quite close to delivering the verbal equivalent of "The Blow That Must Be Answered." When I was taught to fight, I was taught this one blow that could not be dodged or avoided - you had to do something about it. The spoken equivalent is the question or statement that stops you dead in your tracks, with real emotional weight behind it. Not something to be done lightly.

I have tried to strip away any personal crap that might be influencing my perceptions here. While there may be a pattern of behavior, I do not think that is the issue of importance. And through the writing of this, I do feel like my inclination to do what I think is right in this situation and humanly decent overrides any issues he may be having. I think I just need to figure out how and cause the least damage while doing so.

But I really, really would like advice here. Your collective wisdom outweighs mine by much.