Tales from the Steppes

2006-09-23

8:14 a.m.
Saturday, September 23

I have a killer headache, which I earned the old-fashioned way. I went to a friend's house last night, sat around a fire, sharing a cigar and indulging in food and drink. Very pleasant indeed. (Ok, the cigar added to my headache but did not substantially add to the evening) My friend cracked open the (unmarked) bottle of absinthe she brought back from Europe and we all drank some. And then there was the Elixir V�g�tal de la Grande-Chartreuse she had.

If I were lying (or perhaps smart), I would say that I have learned my lesson about drinking strange old alcohol from Europe and I will never do it again. But I didn't really drink that much. And the headache could just as easily be from the cigar.

Besides, if I did not occasionally do things like drinking banned substances, what would the SU have to talk about at optical conferances? Apparently, my exploits of strange races and unusual hobbies make for good cocktail party banter. For someone else.

It was just as well I left last night because I was in danger of saying something unforgivable. The SU's cousin died Thursday night, after being in a coma for several days. It is a complicated situation that I will not go into again, but I am having problems not being judgemental. Mostly because we have hit an area that I am having problems seeing the grey in. I am hoping for some insight that will allow the moral (not to mention life) ambiguity I so often suffer from to flourish.

But then again, perhaps it is partly my failure in that I did not speak as strongly as I could have. Perhaps I am also feeling guilt that I did not say something brutally honest earlier. Or take action myself. Instead I did very little. Not quite nothing but damn little.

Yeah, ok, I think that is it. Amazing how these things get twisted around in your brain. I always tell the mongols how they cannot control anyone else's behavior but they can control their own actions. And are responsible for them. And yet when it counted, I acted in a Pontius Pilate-like way and shrugged my shoulders. Perhaps I had better deal with my own disappointing behavior and leave others to their own conscience.

Enlightenment comes too late. And proper atonement difficult.