Tales from the Steppes

2005-01-18

4:07 a.m.
How on earth did I get so jaded, life's mystery seems so faded

This totally bites! I woke up at 3 am and have not been able to go back to sleep. I fell asleep early tonight and I guess I filled my 6 hour sleep allotment, so here I am, awake at an unseemly hour. I should be doing something useful like working or exercising but I have been having problems summoning up the concentration needed to get any work done. And my stomach is not really up for exercising, though I know I really need to get ready for the race next month. So this leaves television, which doesn't usually even hold my interest on a normal day. I often find myself reading a book, eating a meal, and watching tv at the same time, if I am going to sit there. I suppose I could read a book - I must be in the middle of at least five of them. But I am not finding that very appealing either. It is like having an excess of slightly pukey energy without the ability to focus that lends itself to nothing of any use.

I must be getting old because I find myself desiring a bit of calmness in my life. Normally I love surprises and change. I get bored if things stay the same for too long. And being bored is not a good thing, because then I get a bit "creative." And that may or may not be a good thing.

But right now, I would really just like to get through the next, say, 4 months without any catastrophes. I realise I am too late on this issue and I am just SOL here but I am still going to have my little rant. Consider yourself warned. (Ok, at least I warn you. A lot of people break into rants without any warning at all. Maybe they don't know they are ranting.)

Just for once, I would really like to focus on what I am doing without any extraneous bullshit going on in my life. I do realize that some of this is just inherent in life but I am starting to think that this is just a bit too much. The timing of these things always seems to be a bit off. (Note: There is no blame being attached here. This is just a rant, but it is my rant so I am not feeling like I have to present all sides of these events. I really do understand that things are a bit more complicated than I am presenting them and much of this could not be helped.) For example, the SU's first cancer had to go postal when I was 38 weeks pregnant and on bedrest with the EM. So there was no chance of relaxing into parenthood. I was up and functioning 8 hours after having her. With the MM, the SU was interviewing for jobs and had one 2 days after he was born, that led to him moving to Buffalo shortly thereafter. When I got pregnant with the YM, I naively announced that I would just like to relax during this pregnancy. No going to school, no running a business. Working is fine but that was all I wanted to do. Which is why we moved back to the DC area midway through that one.

So far, my career as a graduate student has been a total disaster. After having to drop out the first time due to the fabulous timing of the EM's birth and SU's cancer, I had really hoped this time would be better. But so far, I have gone to school through an SU job change, two rounds of cancer, a busted arm, and a move. And all I really want to do right now is focus on my damn thesis and finish school. Can I not call for a stunt double to deal with this one? I really, really need more garbage in my life right now.

Ok, I know. Stamp my foot, have a temper tantrum, nothing to be done about it. I know I cause a great deal of the chaos in my life or at least allow it to happen. But I think I have just about had too much.