Tales from the Steppes

2006-05-26

7:39 a.m.
Friday, May 26

For time it comes, and time it goes
It makes the strongest tree to bend
Kings and Queens have no defence
Time brings all things to an end
- Great Big Sea

I got a call from my brother, the Weasel, last night. This is somewhat remarkable because we only talk a few times a year. It is not that we do not like each other but more that we have little in common and few topics of conversation. He has never been interested in his niece and nephews and has not even seen them in a number of years. And talking about our respective dogs only gets you so far. Sure dogs are cool. But they are dogs.

He cannot talk about his job - he's FBI, and mine is not really much of a topic of conversation. Well, he did ask how things were and I guess I said they sucked. But he already knew that, having just spoken to my parents. His words of advice, when I explained that my goal was to make it through this without getting my name in the paper, was to put up a sign in my work area saying "Welcome to the suck." Hrrrrrm, I think not. Evidence of a bad attitude is not allowed.

But now his wife is pregnant, sooner than planned. Or at least his plan. She is the one who wanted children - it has never been anything he has wanted. Not to imply that there is anything wrong with not wanting kids - it is a personal preference. In my brother's case, I always thought it was for the best that he not have children because he tends to be a little too focused on himself.

Of course I congratulated him and talked about how excited I am for him. Part of me is rolling my eyes though. This impending birth will bring up a family dynamic that I find equally interesting and irritating. Male children in my extended family are treated differently than females. My sister and I call the Weasel the "sacred manchild" because he always gets treated preferentially. This was true in my mother's generation as well. My grandparents always acted like my uncle was above his sisters. I can remember my uncle coming in and my grandmother would jump up and fix him something else for dinner if he did not like what everyone else was eating.

In a way, it is a bit of self-fulfilling sexism. If you treat boys like they are less competent and need special treatment and allowances, they grow up to need them. There was nothing wrong with my brother but instead of making him solve his own problems, my parents would give him a bit of extra help. For example, my sister and I were not allowed to have cars when we were in college but my parents cosigned a loan for my brother so he could buy a new car when he was in school. I guess they did not want him to have to walk and use public transportation like my sister and I did.

My brother does not even know how old my kids are, never even acknowledges their birthdays with a phone call or a card, and does not even send them anything for Christmas. Even when he comes back to this area, he does not see the mongols. No, I have never said anything to him about this and certainly do not intend on behaving this way toward his child.

But I will roll my eyes when my parents fall all over themselves to help him out with his new child - as if he is the first person to ever achieve this great feat. And my sister and I will laugh at the spectacle and grumble when our parents get irritated with us because we refuse to treat him preferentially and act like this is more special than when we had kids.

And we will vow to ourselves that we will not hamper our male children by helping them through life more than our female children. Well, ok, the EM is it for female children right now. But I know my sister expects her sons to do more than just take the trash out around the house.