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Tales from the Steppes


2004-03-14

12:00 p.m.
Anxious spasms

I have locked myself into my office and am supposed to be working on my thesis, but feel I need to get my shit together first. It has been a tumultous week, which is not unusual for my life. I have decided that my life is not merely chaotic, but also spastic. Is that a new D&D alignment, chaotic spastic? "No, I'm not really evil, just spastic."

This week, the SU and I had an appointment to get the results of EMs academic, cognitive, and emotional testing. Her cognitive and educational stuff checked out mostly ok - very bright but not a fast processor. Apparently her school and organizational issues are caused by her emotional state. She has great anxieties that cause her to focus on them instead of her school work and anything else. So the doctors have recommended that she see a therapist on a weekly basis.

I have extremely mixed feelings about this recommendation. I am going to follow the experts advice, as they know a whole lot more about this than I do and therapy is not likely to make the situation any worse. I have already begun the process of finding a suitable person for her to talk to. But. I am a little skeptical about therapy as a solution to her problems. I admit freely that I have not only a bias but a blindness here. It is hard for me to understand not having the internal capacity to analyze yourself and develop an understanding of what is motivating your behavior. Of course, I do not know how other people operate, so maybe this is unrealistic. I suspect that my endless self-anlyzing may be a type of narcissism, but my knowledge of the hman mind is mostly limited to an understanding of environmental perceptions and relations. Maybe at the grand old age of 9, she just hasn't developed introspection. It is true that she has been high strung since she was born. I can remember putting her down just to use the bathroom and her screaming the whole time. I realize that she was born into a very stressful situation (the SUs first cancer) and that she was probably subject to stress hormones for the last two weeks before she was born. Maybe these things have caused her to have a lower stress tolerance. The boys have both dealt with their father's illnesses much better and don't freak out over the little bumps in life. It still makes me wonder, though. How do children survive who grow up in war zones? Now that is stress. I know elementary school children can be cruel and she gets teased about her freckles and her glasses, but is it really that bad? So bad that she cannot concentrate on schoolwork? What, in her life, is so stressful?

I guess the reality is that this anxiety seems to be the situation, whether I understand it or not. My comprehension is not necessary to this process. My job is to be supportive and understanding, whether I truly understand or not. I tend to have an "acknowledge, deal with it, and move on" attitude about things, which does not work for her. So I need to change my expectations and the way I deal with her. I have never accepted the "I was upset about x, y, and z and that is why I did not get my work done" excuse from her, but it seems to be true. Apparently, x, y, and z really do need to be dealt with before she can get her work done. Sigh. Maybe what I need is a new tv show - "Sensitive Eye for the Insensitive Guy" or the equivalent. Perhaps I should view this as an opportunity for emotional growth. Or perhaps it really has nothing to do with me at all and I am wrongly assuming partial responsibilty. As her primary parent, it is hard for me to believe that, but it may be just my ego talking here. Most likely her anxiety is caused by an innate tendency exacerbated by the emotional climate she lives in. Or not.

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