Tales from the Steppes

2003-12-08

10:57 p.m.
ramblings on the death of John Lennon

I was all set to write about my favorite holiday traditions, as Ms Hun-e-B has requested. But then when I was driving home, I finally realized what today is - the anniversary of John Lennon's murder. I know that for many of you who lived through the Kennedy and King assassinations, this may seem to pale in comparison. However, I did not live through the others and it was a major event in my life for many reasons. Some personal, some more universal.

It always amazes me how another person's words, taken totally out of context but uttered at the right point in your time, can make such a huge impact. The lyrics to the song "Watching the Wheels" described the period of my life during which John Lennon was shot. I was in the middle of having my own personal educational meltdown that was very difficult to explain to anyone. It was my own fault, really. I had spent the last however many years pushing myself, until I came to the edge of a cliff. I had accelerated myself so that I was years ahead of others in math and science and one day I went too fast and crashed and burned. And I am never one to go merely half the distance.

This particular day marks the beginning of the hell that was the last half of that school year. My mother used to wake me up in the middle of the night to talk about it. Why, why was I having such a bad year? Why oh why could I not pull out of that tailspin? It completely mystified her and caused great personal anguish. In typical teenage fashion, I really did not care so much what her felings about it were. I just wanted to go back to sleep. I was allowed to see my boyfriends and continued to work at the crappy movie theater. But I was not allowed to go to Markland dance practices or events unless I demonstrated a good attitude and brought home a fresh A or something. Yeah, it was Markland's fault I had lost all desire to be a superhuman. What excellent logic!

So tonight, I raise a glass in toast to John Lennon. For all that he said and meant. And for that day back in 1980 when my English teacher called my house to inform my parents that I was making a "C" for no reason other than I was too busy to deal with her class. And my parents actually made me go to school and apologize to the woman for my poor performace.

"People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing,

Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin,

When I say that I'm o.k. they look at me kind of strange,

Surely your not happy now you no longer play the game,

People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away,

Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me,

When I tell that I'm doing Fine watching shadows on the wall,

Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball?

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,

I really love to watch them roll,

No longer riding on the merry-go-round,

I just had to let it go,

People asking questions lost in confusion,

Well I tell them there's no problem,

Only solutions,

Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind,

I tell them there's no hurry...

I'm just sitting here doing time,

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,

I really love to watch them roll,

No longer riding on the merry-go-round,

I just had to let it go."