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Tales from the Steppes


2003-11-13

3:53 p.m.
Sword O' Damocles

(Warning - Depressing entry, but no truly bad things occurred. Sorry for the spoiler.)

So this was a pretty difficult week in some ways. LM (that would be Largest Mongol, and I really do mean the biggest but BM seemed unkind)had yet another test to find out if the kidney cancer had come back in the bladder. Unfortunately, a normal person has about a 40% chance of this happening. With LM and his cancer gene of doom, I consider it a near certainty, as does his doctor. Fortunately, the test was negative. This time. I hate being a pessimist but I feel like the proverbial Sword of Damocles is always hanging over my head. Well, ok, it's not _my_ head, but it still sort of is. (But dear God, don't really let it be the head next time.) It's hard to describe the pressure and stress caused by the waiting for when it will happen again and wondering what kind of cancer it will be next. Will it be an old one or a new one? Will it be the bones or the bladder next? Don't know. Great, we passed this time. Woohoo! But there is always next time. Or even something they aren't testing for. LM got very lucky with the prostate cancer that his GP just happened to run a PSA. Otherwise, this would be a different rant/whine (whinte?).

Now all of this is going on in the background pretty much all of the time and just gets exacerbated every few months when it's testing time. This month it was the bladder test. December is an off month. Then a PSA in January and a full body CAT scan in February. Can't fully keep track of the schedule. Makes my head hurt.

I, of course, have no control over any of this. So the only thing I can do is plan for what happens when it happens again. My strategy involves having a lame career that I can continue as a single parent and finishing my master's degree. Sounds pretty simple, but he's had two cancers just while I've been in school this time.

Another part of my strategy involves adequate financial preparation, which I think I've got. But, this being open enrollment time, we had to review the insurance and all that. There was an opportunity to add to his life insurance with no medical forms needed. This is the _only_ way he will ever get any life insurance, but he elected not to take it. When I asked why, he enumerated the resources that would be available to me. And then added that he expected I would remarry as I am still reasonably young and attractive. This is a plan? Not in my book. He is totally hallucinating. Three kids, a dog, cat, hamster, two frogs and a newt? No way! It's a lovely thought to think that some white knight will ride up and save me from my future. What I wouldn't give to not have to be the strong one, the one that has to hold it together and figure out how to make it work all of the time. I would love to get sick and just stay in bed, just for one day. But I harbor no such illusions. I'm also not so sure that being rescued is always worth the price that would be demanded.

I'm not really a pessimist, in general. Most of the time I can pretty much ignore all of this and just deal with today. But there are times that it just totally overruns me, but I can't really talk about it with anyone. LM is right out - Who am I to have an issue - I'm not the one that's going to die or get sick. the cancer is kind of like the pink elephant in the corner that no one talks about. it's such a depressing topic that one generally shouldn't subject one's friends to it. I guess I could pay a therapist to sit and listen to me whine, but this was a whole lot cheaper. So I owe you all dinner at a decent restaurant. With a bottle of wine.

(Note: Just in case anyone out there is tempted to tell me "Oh, no, it can't really be that bad. You are exaggerating", this is a bad idea. Not only am I not being melodramatic, I am not giving you the full depressing details. So, better just to say nothing than try and pat me on the head. I promise my next entry will be cheerful and humorous. Really. Really.)

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