Tales from the Steppes

2006-06-08

1:38 a.m.
Thursday, already, June 8

Let the wind and ocean water
Wash across your hands
Wash away a thousand footsteps
- The October Project

Where to begin? This is what always happens when I do not get around to updating in a (relatively) long time. There is the topical approach - mongols, work, school, or the chronological one. Or perhaps my favorite - modified stream of consciousness that is a cross between the two. Hrrrm, perhaps I will just write and we will see what comes out. Let the subconscious make the decision. Kind of like a fortune cookie - you know it is never anything of great use but it is always a bit of a surprise.

I have spent part of the last week trying to get things set up for summer. Yes, I know I am running late. I finally decided that instead of sending the mongols to day camp, I would hire a sitter that can deal with them. Part of my reasoning went something like this - the cost of three kids in the cheapest daycamp available (ok, that I would send them to) is more than I make, after taxes. Maybe even before taxes, I am not certain. But if I am going to pay that much money, whatever service I am using can do something to make MY life easier. I was going insane with trying to sync up three different sorts of camps and locations. Oh and then there is swim team, which I want the mongols to participate in. Pre-team practice starts at 4pm, so i would have to leave work at 3pm to drive to the camp to pick up the mongols to have them to the pool by 4pm. Which means getting in to work at 6am. No freakin' way! I am just not that person. Not to mention the fact that my job requires significant interaction with others who are not in the office that early. Perhaps this is selfish on my part; the kids loved their camp last summer. But the EM is too old at 11 to go to the traditional daycamp, so I have to pay extra for her to be super-entertained. No hanging out! Constant movement is necessary - to waterparks, beaches, amusement parks, rock climbing, etc. Bah humbug! My kids are going to spend the summer at home. And if they get bored, they will have to figure it out themselves.

So I put an ad on Craigslist, the savior of those who do not know where to look or what to do. And I got calls and interviewed three people who are all excellent candidates. When has that ever happened? Usually I get one person who I think will not be a disaster, out of all of the people that I talk to. I was supposed to make my decision today and I already sort of have. But I left all of the contact information at the office because I was running out of there to get the SU to the airport tonight. More on that in a few. Anyway, now I feel guilty because I want to hire all three and the decision came down to slightly stupid stuff. And the "grok" factor. I do not bother with references because they are a set selected to give positive feedback. And really, I don't care that much about what other people think. Your mileage may vary. If I think the person is ok and will do fine, then it does not really matter what their references say. It has never really failed me before. If I was truthful, I would have to say that I had doubts about some of my previous hires, and it was nothing that they said. So my choice is not the mongol's choice - one of my candidates is a dancer but I think she may be a little young and not need the money enough to have quite the work ethic I need. As well as gushing over the YM's cuteness, which I explained to her was NOT a good idea.

So I put the SU on a plane for France tonight. Ten days in France - the horror of it all. Several days in Paris and then a week at the ancestral home of the Plantagenets. Grrrrrrrrr. While I stay here and deal with the schedule from hell, trying to get the mongols to all of their functions. This weekend, I have two soccer games, one EM party, one MM party, a ballet performance, and a family fun fest with the YM and MM. And swim team time trials early Saturday morning. Bleah! I need to map out the next week to find out when all the functions are so I do not screw up and forget anything important like the YM's author tea or kindergarten graduation. Which I will try very hard not to cry at, truthfully. It is always special to see your child reach a milestone like this. And the YM has certainly grown a lot over the last year. I have watched in amazement as he has learned to show some restraint in his behavior and understand that his needs do not always come first. As well as his learning to read and, more importantly, wanting to read. I suppose part of it is that he is my last child - this is the last time I will go through this with a child, so in a way, it is a milestone for me too. Not to say I did not have many of the same emotions with the MM and EM. But it is in some ways intensified with your first and last child. I would never let the MM know this and have always tried very hard to celebrate his accomplishments equally and show him how proud of him I am. I am a middle child myself and so was aware of this dynamic as a child and always thought it terribly unfair. It is always hard to say if you have achieved your goal of seeming to be impartial. Wait, impartial is not the right word. Just because events evoke a different response in you does not mean that you are more partial in one way or another, because that implies a conscious decision. It is more that some events evoke a subconscious response and I guess as a parent I consider it my job to make sure things are balanced as far as the child is concerned. after all, I am the adult and should be a bit more in control. And the MM is such an amazing 9 year old boy that it would be a crime to let him think that I was not as emotionally involved with his milestones. It is important to not play favorites or even to appear to.

But still, it would be a lie to say that this does not have a bittersweet feel to it. Perhaps it is my own mortality or just getting old. Or maybe the acknowledgement that the YM is my last child. I mean I guess I could have more. There is nothing preventing me except for the SU's technical difficulties and the typical logistical BS that so characterizes my life. And the fact that the SU does not want more mongols and I am not even so sure that I would. I work with a lot of people that are all having their first kids at this point in their lives. Sure the EM and MM would be ecstatic - the EM loves babies and younger children and the MM loves to help take care of others - for a little boy he is amazingly loving. Even the YM would probably get into it. He sleeps with a baby doll (named Baby, of course) but I am sure he would miss being the cutest in the family. Not that it is going to happen, mind you. If I look fat, it is because I am fat, not pregnant. And that really is ok with me (not being fat, dammit! the not having any more children thing). I think I am just being honest with the mixed feelings I feel at this point. There is the "Whew, through with that" combined with the "Oh damn, I will never come this way again".

But back to France. Remember France? I really hope the SU has a wonderful time because certainly one of us should be. And if he whines about it, I may have to beat him, as surely there is no good excuse for not trying to maximize the enjoyment one can get out of a conference. Not to mention him deserving the down time and needing the fun. As a side-effect, it should minimize his complaining about my being gone for Pennsic. Which I have not even begun to start figuring out. Oh well, as long as I get pre-regged, I do not really have to worry about it for a little bit.